I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
