my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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