I cannot find my penis.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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