If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
