so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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