he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
