i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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