Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
