just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Rumble strips road head = magical
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
