I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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