if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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