I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
