I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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