I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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