i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
