Already got asked if we're dating
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
