I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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