I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
