Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
