So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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