Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just had sex on a roof
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
