I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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