i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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