I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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