I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so let's talk penis.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
