Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
