Need sex. Gaining weight.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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