You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize