I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
