so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
