your parents love me but you hate me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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