You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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