so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
