I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
