she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
