Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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