OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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