Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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