dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
