First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
