If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
