he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
