Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm like, not good at living.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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