last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
