is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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