Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
