I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
