when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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