you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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