Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
