I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
