She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
