I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
