I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
