We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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