That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
