I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
